So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. Dream! If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. Without respect there will be no relationship. On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. Im breaking out in hives. That means theres a common ground there, even if its the size of a postage stamp. And her ongoing view that this somehow makes her the better parent is definitely bordering on malicious, I got into I Love Lucy and Bewitched thanks to my mom!! And of course. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. He. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. Who knows? This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. Shes all the better for it. I second this. If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. The LWs husband sounds like my father. lets_be_honest I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. This is actually not difficult. Definitely. I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Huge!! He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. July 2, 2013, 1:18 pm, Um, both piano recitals and spelling bees are CONSTRUCTIVE activities Fangirling? FIONA SAYS: Gently and with tact, though she's still likely to be upset. He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Way to become a teenager yourself dad. She gets too invested in her daughters life. TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. And he doesnt have to hide that. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. (Kept me sane), Astronomer lets_be_honest Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. But I agree with everything else you said. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Ha! Good stuff all around! Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. WWS, especially You may not see the rewards right away. He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. painted_lady Too little time to post! I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. My dad was also much more stern, and as a shy kid, he made me sort of uncomfortable at times. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. Gently explain that you're not happy approaching this guy because you think he's simply not interested and that, if she continues to chase him, she's leaving herself open to more hurt and disappointment. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? Whats ok is to have a balance. Others see him as a bully and a hole. Its so easy to kill that spark in a child, well done to the mum for supporting her daughter in doing what she loves! When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. lemongrass I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. Get out the frying pan. But for practical advice: board games. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. Once they believe that true love need not be obligatory and that intimacy is not automatically correlated with entrapment, they are often eager to learn new ways to make their needs and fears knownand let love in. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. Liquid Luck You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. Weird. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. a single mom to her as her dad was never in the picture. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. It will also probably be more effective if you can get your children to stand alongside you, at least during the initial intervention and I realise that will be hard. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. I honestly think both parents are at fault. Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? Seriously? (I threw it all up and cried. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! Its not rocket science. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. Here are some signs that your father had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist. At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. Then stress that it's not too late to re-engage with his with family, the solution lies with him. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. You just have to learn to ignore that. If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. I can't even. I think I read this differently than Wendy. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. A lot of them could lean into things he likes Firefly could lead into an interest in science. "I cant win for losing. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. It's as though he can't stop himself from being dictatorial, negative or critical, and all this has done is drive them away. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. Youre right, though. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. it seems to . She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? I used to whine like crazy when my dad tried to teach me about cars or home improvement, or talk about politics. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. I hope the LW sees your comment. Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. So because you think something is a timewaster you get to mock people for their interests at 12. Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. He's always putting him down. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. How are those pre-teen interests? bittergaymark The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. Of course its going to drive her away from him. I loved how proud and impressed he was when I got the answer right, or parroted back some of his trivia. Totally agree on the respect issue. July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! because I think that as the teen years progress you will need some better strategies to deal with the 2 strong personalities that surround you. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. This is exactly my experience, too. honeybeenicki July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. Id love to hang out with her. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. July 2, 2013, 12:30 pm. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. I was so annoyed! WOW! Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. By myself, though. Not talking on cell phones, thats where. I planned everything exactly the way he liked and it went down just like I thought it would. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Why should your husband treat her that way?? Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. If your daughter has seen how much pain and suffering can come from being in an unhappy marriage, she may not want to put herself through the same thing later on down the road. For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. But am I mad at her now? He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. Just because FOX cancelled Firefly doesnt mean its not awesome anymore. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. I agree with what Wendy said, but I also think the dad needs to show interests in her interests. It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. Grow up, already. It is definitely a good idea for the LW to lead her daughter by example by showing an interest in Dads interests and even suggesting an outing that he would like or that all of them would enjoy. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. You will learn from all of them. I would call that well-rounded. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. Addie Pray July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. Are you on Tumblr? Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. I actually found her on Facebook a few years ago, lol. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. lets_be_honest I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. . July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. . When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. Show interest in his interests. 1. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. The thing is, what the father is doing is rude.
Purpose Relationship Analogy Examples,
Ottawa County Indictments 2021,
Is Jessica Griffith Married,
New Zealand Death Notices Archives,
Texas Motorcycle Clubs List,
Articles M